By DSFP Candidate Stephen Keys

In 1938, as the world teetered on the edge of war, researchers at Harvard University began a study that would become one of the longest and most revealing investigations into human life ever undertaken. They wanted to know what truly makes people flourish. Is it wealth? Success? Prestige? Or is it something less obvious, more intimate?

Eight decades later, the answer is remarkably clear. It’s not money. It’s not fame. It’s not the size of your house, your job title, or the car in your garage. What matters most, more than anything else, is the quality of your relationships.

The Harvard study of adult development

The Harvard Study of Adult Development has followed hundreds of men and their families for more than 80 years, tracking health, habits, careers, marriages, and, most importantly, happiness. The participants ranged from working-class Bostonians to Harvard undergraduates who would go on to become senators, doctors, and business leaders.

Over the years, researchers took blood samples, conducted medical exams, and interviewed participants in painstaking detail. Generation after generation of scientists inherited the data. Today, the study continues with the children and grandchildren of the original participants, offering a rare, long view of life’s arc.

The findings have been distilled into a single sentence by Dr. Robert Waldinger, the current director of the study: “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier.”

It turns out that the best predictor of health and longevity isn’t cholesterol levels, genetic luck, or even exercise, as important as those are. It’s whether you feel connected to others. People who enjoyed strong, supportive relationships lived longer, had sharper memories, and reported higher life satisfaction. Loneliness, by contrast, was as dangerous as smoking or alcohol abuse, and more damaging than obesity.

The illusion of success

This conclusion runs against the grain of much of modern culture. From a young age, we are taught to strive: to accumulate credentials, pursue promotions, and measure worth in productivity and possessions. The quiet assumption is that success will deliver fulfilment. But the Harvard study suggests otherwise.

Time and again, participants who achieved wealth and recognition but neglected their relationships reported disappointment later in life. Many confessed to having “climbed the ladder only to find it was leaning against the wrong wall.”

By contrast, those who invested time and energy into family, friends, and community often reported a deep sense of meaning, even when their careers were modest or their material circumstances limited.

This isn’t to say money doesn’t matter. It matters a lot. Poverty and insecurity can erode well-being. Financial independence is important so we can provide for ourselves and our loved ones. But once basic needs are met, chasing ever more income adds little to happiness compared to the joy of strong social ties.

What people say at the end

The lessons of the Harvard study align closely with the reflections of people facing the end of their lives.

Bronnie Ware, an Australian palliative care nurse, spent years caring for patients in their final weeks. She began writing down what they told her. The result was a book, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying”.

The most common regret was not about money, status, or professional achievements. It was this: "I wish I had stayed true to myself and spent more time with the people I love."

Others included wishing they hadn’t worked so hard, wishing they’d expressed their feelings more openly, and wishing they’d let themselves be happier.

Hospice workers around the world report the same pattern. Rarely do people reminisce about their résumés, bank accounts, or possessions. Instead, they talk about family gatherings, friendships rekindled, love given or withheld, and the relationships that shaped them. They remember kindness. They regret estrangements. They crave connection to the very end.

Why relationships matter so much

What is it about relationships that makes them the cornerstone of a good life? Part of the answer is biological. Human beings are wired for connection. Our nervous systems regulate themselves in the presence of others. A warm conversation can lower blood pressure. A hug can reduce stress hormones. A sense of belonging protects us against depression and anxiety

But beyond biology, relationships are where meaning is made. It’s in sharing life — raising children, building friendships, nurturing a marriage, supporting a sibling, showing up for a friend in crisis — that we discover who we are.

Relationships call us out of ourselves and anchor us in something larger.

For men, this lesson is particularly timely. Research consistently shows that men are more likely than women to suffer from loneliness, especially in midlife. Many men pour their energy into work and achievement, only to find that their social circles have thinned out over the years. By the time retirement approaches, some discover, painfully, that their careers gave them structure but not sustenance.

The Harvard study is a reminder that investing in relationships is not a luxury; it is a necessity for a healthy, meaningful life.

Time over money

Modern psychology has also weighed in on the choice between time and money. Studies have shown that people who consistently prioritise time over money tend to report higher well-being.

The reason is simple: time is the raw material of connection. When we protect our hours and days, we create space for relationships to grow.

It’s easy to let urgency crowd out what matters. Emails demand replies. Deadlines loom. The prevailing work culture tells us to optimize every minute. Yet if we are not intentional, the years slip by. Children grow up. Friendships fade. Spouses drift apart.

The Harvard data shows that decades later, those missed connections are what people regret, not the missed meetings.

Choosing connection in daily life

So how do we apply these lessons? The answer isn’t grand gestures. It’s the steady rhythm of small choices.

• Call the friend you’ve been meaning to reach out to.
• Sit down to dinner with your family without screens.
• Ask your partner how their day really was — and listen.
• Say the words you’ve been holding back: “I appreciate you.” “I forgive you.” “I love you.”

Relationships thrive on attention. They need tending, like gardens. They also need vulnerability. Many men, raised to prize stoicism, resist opening up. But connection requires honesty, and honesty requires courage.

A life well-lived

When the Harvard researchers reflect on more than 80 years of data, the message is striking in its simplicity. A good life is built not on the accumulation of things, but on the weaving of relationships. At the end, when we look back, what will matter most will be the faces of those we loved and who loved us in return.

If you are in midlife, this is an invitation to take stock. Where are you investing your energy? Which ladders are you climbing? And who is climbing with you? It’s never too late to strengthen ties, to mend what is broken, to show up more fully for the people who matter.

The men in the Harvard study, and the countless voices from hospice rooms, speak with one voice across time: "don’t wait." The clock runs in only one direction. But every day is a chance to choose connection over distraction, love over busyness, people over things.

Final reflection

We live in a world that dazzles us with speed, novelty, and ambition. But beneath the noise, the truth endures. Relationships are the bedrock of health, happiness, and meaning. When the final chapter comes, they will be what remains.

So reach out. Reconcile. Gather your people. Protect your time. Because in the end, what we will hold onto are not the numbers in our bank accounts or the titles we once carried. What we will remember are the moments of laughter around a table, the warmth of a hand held in the dark, the joy of belonging.

And that is enough. More than enough.

If the Harvard study reminds us that connection is the key to a meaningful life, the DSFP shows how it can be lived out in community.

Join us at the DSFP Preview on 17 Nov 2025 (Mon) at NUS Kent Ridge to meet Stephen and other Fellows as they share their journeys of rediscovery and renewal in their Third Transition through the DSFP experience. Register by 4 Nov on our website.